23.10.08
GREAT PIG!
A Guy walks into a Country Pub one afternoon, and orders a Beer. While waiting for his Beer he checks out the other occupants of the
Pub, and can't help but notice that the fellow standing next to him (obviously a Farmer) has a Pig on a leash, and that the pig has got a
wooden leg!! Unable to curb his curiosity, he engages the farmer in conversation.
Guy: Nice Day!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: Nice Pub!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: Nice Pig!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: How come you brought the pig into the pub with you then?
Farmer: Well, you see, this pig is my best friend.
Guy: Really? How's that?
Farmer: Well, since the wife died, he does all the cooking and housework. Looks after me better than my own mother did.
Guy: Really?
Farmer: That's right. And not only that, but he saved my life not two years ago. Pulled me right out of the Dam after I fell in and bumped me head.
Guy: Go On! What a fantastic pig!
Farmer: For sure.
Guy: And how comes he's got a wooden leg then?
Farmer: Well now, if YOU had a pig this wonderful, would YOU eat him all at once...???
Pub, and can't help but notice that the fellow standing next to him (obviously a Farmer) has a Pig on a leash, and that the pig has got a
wooden leg!! Unable to curb his curiosity, he engages the farmer in conversation.
Guy: Nice Day!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: Nice Pub!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: Nice Pig!
Farmer: Yup.
Guy: How come you brought the pig into the pub with you then?
Farmer: Well, you see, this pig is my best friend.
Guy: Really? How's that?
Farmer: Well, since the wife died, he does all the cooking and housework. Looks after me better than my own mother did.
Guy: Really?
Farmer: That's right. And not only that, but he saved my life not two years ago. Pulled me right out of the Dam after I fell in and bumped me head.
Guy: Go On! What a fantastic pig!
Farmer: For sure.
Guy: And how comes he's got a wooden leg then?
Farmer: Well now, if YOU had a pig this wonderful, would YOU eat him all at once...???
OH MY GOD!!!
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied."I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it,but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH
MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
22.10.08
$775 A WEEK & FIFTY-FIFTY
$775 A WEEK
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
FIFTY - FIFTY
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands
folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands
folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
21.10.08
ASK ENOUGH QUESTIONS & YOU'LL GET THE ANSWERS!
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit"
SAVE THE STORY FOR DINNER
Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
20.10.08
AFFAIR
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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